Sparkly Vampires: A Response (in Satire)

Wow, ladies.

When I initially wrote Why Twilight is the Worst Book Ever, I think I was expecting a few comments, maybe some light-hearted debate, a couple flames from the die-hard fans.

But some of the things being said in comments are crossing some serious lines, and I feel the need to address them.

I’m not going to preach at anyone for being bitchy on the internet. I’m not the sweetest online personality out there, but I’m no meaner online than I am in real life. I can’t imagine some of these comments being said out loud in an actual face-to-face conversation.

I don’t want to call out specific people, because that’s not what I’m here for.
What I would actually like to do is express how impressed I am with the maturity of some of the comments, and to thank all of you who were, shall we say, attacked by other commenters, for responding intelligently and not sparking a comment war. Some of the things you guys wrote—both in response to my article and to other peoples’ comments—were incredibly well written.

(I was going to take the high road and not mention that most of the mature comments were written by the anti-Twilight folk, but I really had to throw it out there. Twilight fans, I am so much more inclined to take you seriously if you use proper grammer and punctuation and stop using expletives so often.)

But I have to say, girls, some of those comments were vicious. I’m obviously pro-opinions, even when it comes to expressing not-quite-popular opinions. But there’s a very distinct difference between expressing one’s opinion and very rudely attacking people. I realize I wasn’t exactly kind to Twilight, but I tried to keep my bitchiness to the book itself, rather than to its readers. I didn’t even bitch out Stephenie Meyer overmuch. Do you have any idea how much self-restraint that took? I mean—seriously!

So I’m glad that you all took an interest in my article, and I’m glad that you all commented. I love getting feedback, and it’s always interesting to see how different demographics…shall we say, respond to criticism. I hope that you continue to read my articles (I promise the next one will be less “WTF YOU GUYS STOP BEING MEAN” and more actual content) and that you continue to leave me feedback.

Just…be nice? Please?

Thanks. :)

P.S. Twilight still sucks.

Sparkly Vampires, or Why Twilight is the Worst Book Ever

If you know a twelve- to sixteen-year-old girl, own a television, or have low standards in entertainment, you have probably heard of the "literary" sensation currently sweeping the world: Stephenie Meyer's vampire novel, Twilight.

For those of you who either do not fall into the above categories or live under a rock, Twilight tells the story of Bella Swan, a seventeen-year-old girl, who falls in love with Edward Cullen, a one hundred and seven-year-old vampire.

That's about it.

After the initial attempt at plot (“I can’t love you! I’ll eat you!” “But I can’t live without you!” “Well, alright then”), Edward and Bella spend approximately four hundred pages cooing at each other (“I love you more” “No, I love you more” “No, I love you more!”) until Meyer remembers that something actually has to happen in the novel. I won’t spoil you, but let’s just say there’s a vampiric scuffle that ends with all the important characters coming away as alive (or undead) as they were before.

Twilight has been called everything from “the next Harry Potter” to “a scrap of tissue I wouldn’t blow my nose in”. Obviously when something gains overnight popularity there’s going to be some kickback, but Twilight is earning so much hatred that even Britney Spears fans are wincing.

(And I best not hear Britney bashing in the comments, ladies.)

Because I think it’s very unfair to bash a book without reading it first, I sat down with a cup of hot cocoa and a knit blanket over winter break to read. A decent amount of alcohol later (trust me when I say it was necessary), I put it down, found myself a lighter, and set the thing on fire. Looking past the atrocious writing, the characters are flat and oversimplified, the dialogue is painful, and the idolized relationships in the book are borderline terrifying.

Dear readers, you’re an intelligent bunch. So I’m going to state the truth for you. It might hurt some of you, but you need to hear it.

Twilight is the worst book ever written. Ever.

Why? Well, there are quite literally millions of reasons, but here’s one of them. Edward, Bella’s True Love, has become the symbol of the perfect man for millions of young girls across the world.

Which is great, right? Young girls having an ideal of perfection to aspire to with their own Mr. Right?

Only not. Because once you’ve looked past the sparkling—did I mention the sparkling? The vampires sparkle.—and get into the actual “substance” of the book, you find out that the relationship between Bella and Edward is so far over the border of abusive it’s not even funny. “But Shelly,” my Twilight-obsessed friend tells me, “he does that stuff because he loves her!”

Well, fine. I'm not against love in any manner of speaking, so long as it's all adult and consensual-like. But let’s be serious for a moment here, readers. If you heard about a guy who cut the brakes on his girlfriend’s car so that she couldn’t go hang out with her friend, what would you think? That’s not love, kids, that’s stalking, and between you and me, that’s pretty messed up.

Now, it’s only fair to get two sides to every story, so I went out and did a little research on both sides of the spectrum. I even tried to stay away from the usual fourteen-year-old fangirls so that I could get a somewhat intelligent opinion. One college freshman, when asked why she was a fan of Twilight, said, “I love the relationship between Bella and Edward. You know, if you look past the abuse. He’s just the perfect guy.”

Skeptically, I ventured, "Can we get back to the 'abuse' part?"

Of course, generally Twilight fans don’t like to get into that part at all, as it ruins their image of Edward as, you guessed it, the “perfect guy”. Unfortunately, when you consider the number of girls now looking for guys like Edward, that’s kind of terrifying. It certainly scares me.

Despite the overwhelming support of Twilight among its fans, it took two clicks on Google to find hundreds of anti-Twilight testimonials. Reasons given on the LiveJournal community ontd_twatlight included “s**t-poor writing” and “worst possible example of how to live your life”. Another user said, “I hate how the series, written by an untalented hack, has made thousands of females into mindless retards entranced by badly written, badly-conceived s**t. I hate hearing girls talk about it like its a memorable piece of literature.” The Anti-Twilight Movement summed up their entire argument by stating: “It's unoriginal, amateur, openly abusive, and horribly, horribly written.”

But back to my original argument—namely, that Twilight is the worst book ever. For just a moment here, let’s look beyond the bad writing and the abusive relationships and the atrocious characters. The real reason?

Twilight is the High School Musical of novels.

Stop, come back, I'm not dissing High School Musical. I’m not saying it’s bad because it’s like High School Musical. But think back. Remember back when that shit came out, and Disney was plastering Zac Efron’s face onto everything it could possibly plaster Zac Efron’s face on? It’s like that, but with Hot Topic. Twilight is everywhere. Everywhere. You can’t escape it.

Only instead of advertising a feel-good (if musically...interesting) movie, it's advertising a book inspiring millions of young girls to give up their hopes in dreams to fall in love with an abusive man and let him control every life decision they make, from college to pregnancy. For those of you who have sisters, daughters, any female relatives at all--that's terrifying. I've never been one to advocate banning books in any sense, but I'd certainly think twice about letting my child read something like this.

Now, there's the argument that people read the book because it's a simple work that doesn't require any thought to read. Alright, fine, I can respect that. But there's a difference, ladies, between reading something for fun and modeling your life after it, and that's where Twilight gets worrying--girls aren't reading it, they're letting it brainwash them. For God's sake, someone asked Robert Pattinson (the actor who plays Edward Cullen in the Twilight movie) to bite her. Girls, I can't make this up.

So, in conclusion: Twilight is the worst book ever written.

I mean, seriously. They sparkle.

Seriously.

Relationships 101, or Why the College Hookup is Overrated

Ah, college. That wonderful time when we branch out and away from our parents and high school friends, when we're surrounded by all manner of new men (and women), just itching to find That Special Someone (TSS) who will complete us forever.

There's a lot of pressure to find TSS in college. We all know that when we're single all we seem to see are couples, but let's be serious--not everyone can be in a relationship, right?

Now obviously, not all colleges are so long-term-relationship-oriented. My high school best friend, who attends the Tisch School at New York University, dryly told me "all the boys in my school are gay--I'm not going to date anyone." Unfortunately, I had to reply: "I go to Brandeis, where I'll be surrounded by all manner of nice Jewish boys. I'm going to graduate married."

Which seemed very likely the first week of school, but now that things have calmed down a bit, I've found that my dating prospects just aren't there!

It's tricky to make that transition from high school dating to college dating. Back in high school, you sat next to that boy in Algebra II for a few weeks, you joked together, maybe he walked you to your next class, and all of a sudden, you'd be "going out". Boom, automatic boyfriend.

In college, it's different. You're in a much more...let's say "sexually relaxed" atmosphere. Sharing a hug, a kiss, even a bed doesn't make you a couple. Feelings get hurt, lines get blurred, and don't even get me started on friends with benefits, because that's just asking for trouble. All the college self-help dating guides tell you that before you hook up with anyone, you should make your boundaries clear, but when you've had four shots of vodka and your shirt's already off, that gets a bit difficult. And then, in the morning, you've either got the Walk of Shame (the infamously depressing trudge back to your dorm in last night's clothes) or a very uncomfortable conversation--not to mention the possibility of a sexual harrassment suit if one party was more intoxicated in the other.

Now, I'm not going to preach against the college hookup. It's a very important part of the college experience, if one chooses to go that route. But it's not necessarily the way to get yourself into a long-term relationship.

"But Shelly," you're thinking now, "if it's too hard to get into a relationship, and I shouldn't hook up with random boys, how do I get any action?"

Alright, reader, you raise a good point. You've earned a sip of your margarita.

Here's the down and dirty of it: there is no easy way to get into a relationship. Anywhere. But in college, you have options. Because yeah, TSS might be sitting next to you in English 101, but in a lecture hall of 100 people, it might be kind of hard to spot him. And you might think you found him at the Alpha Zeta Sigma party last Friday, but the beer goggles made everything a little fuzzy.

So here's my advice: join a club.

Chances are, you're more likely to find TSS in a setting where you're both doing something you enjoy than in an intro-level class you have to take to graduate. Maybe you like to write, and he's the editor of the paper. Maybe you're in the art club, and he's an aspiring painter. Maybe you're the president of the acupuncture group, and he's got a twitchy foot he can't get rid of. Who knows? Colleges have hundreds of clubs, it's just about impossible to not have any suit your interests.

And if you don't find someone right away, that's okay. College is the best time of your life (yes, I'm aware we said that about high school, and we'll say it about the rest of your 20's, too), so enjoy it! Just because it seems like everyone else is in a relationship doesn't mean they are, and to be honest, it's the friendships you make in college that last longer than college loves.

Now, go get a packet of needles and practice some acupuncture. TSS's twitchy foot won't last forever.